I Dream of Cows

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that alcohol may be an actual problem for me. When I drink socially, I have my drink, I laugh, I talk, I move on. But lately, I only drink when I’m in a bad mood or depressed. And it’s getting more often and higher in volume. I’m down to just a bit in two different bottles of coconut rum and a smidgeon of vodka. I think I’ve decided to not buy any more once these run out. Once this booze is gone….that’s gonna be the last of it. I’m not going to stop drinking. If I’m somewhere that has booze, I’m not going to turn my nose up…I’m just saying, I think it’s getting less and less of a good thing to have it in my own house. Because I seem to be losing my self control. Also, forgetting about depression doesn’t seem to make it any less when I sober back up. It just adds to the embarrassment and self hatred that brought about whichever part of my depression caught me and led me to drink the night before.

So, bottoms up.

Anniversary over. One’s asleep on the couch holding a lap top, the other is sitting in the office bloated, surfing craigslist and ebay. I enjoy, in particular, reading the personal ads on craigslist. I enjoy reading the gay male ads and the strictly platonic female ads. I try to imagine if my next friend is hanging out…there….somewhere in Houston….just waiting for me to come along. She’s not…but everybody has to have a fantasy, right?

If I were to ever write one of these ads, I feel like it would go something like this:
Hi, 28(almost 29) white female seeking a dominate female friend. Willing to learn to love all your favorite bands, movies, and your clothing style. I enjoy drinking and watching adult cartoons. I enjoy arts and crafts, but if we do them together I’ll need you to direct me in EXACTLY what you want me to do moment by moment so I don’t get it wrong and have to leave/vomit due to embarrassment. I enjoy going to dive bars and playing pool. I enjoy being able to be in someone’s company without the need for incessant talking, but would appreciate someone eager to listen to the voices in my head with me when they get too rowdy. Must love animals and have an imminent fear of dying. Email me!

That being said, I did find this chick tonight:
Hey, I am a down to earth laid back person looking for a chick to hang out with, no sexual encounters or any of that crap. I have a boy friend I live with, and he has a bunch of dude friends, which is nice, but I wish I had a female that could hang out and we could do things. I am from the West coast, and have been living here for about 3 years. I like to go to record stores, do crafts, watch movies, and whatever else. I am not a free loader, I love to cook, sew and do crafts, I like punk rock, painting, hippy things like hiking and biking, or couch potato-ing, or whatever else, adventuring, going to dennys at 4 am. I am not a club girl. I am a libra, like long walks on the beach and chicken fried steak oh and beer. Email me if you think we might get along

I could totally learn to do these things with her! Maybe one day….for now, I’m going to grab a drink and put on some King of the Hill.

Today is mine and Rod’s third anniversary. Of dating. We had a previous brief history, but nothing was official so! happy anniversary to us! So far today, he woke me up with a big hearty breakfast. I got drunk. We played Phase 10 and watched Reno 911. We went to Michael’s and bought sculpting clay and a froggy bank. I got drunk again and slept for a few hours. He worked. Now I’m waiting for him to get out of the shower so we can go out to a nice meal……a nice meal……..oh shit……..I should probably be in the bedroom panicking over what I’m supposed to be wearing or something….I’m still wearing what I wore to work yesterday. Oh god…………..

Finally got around to updating my header today. My eyebrows look super duper monstrous in this one…..just like they do in real life. I went with my sister one time to take my niece to get her nails done for her birthday and it was at one of those places where everyone is tiny and barely speaks English. She was like “I do your eyebrows??” I said “no…they’re fine…thanks” and she was all like “NO! THEY NOT FINE! I DO YOUR EYEBROWS!” I said “no……….really…………they’re fine” and she kept yelling at me about how amazingly unfine they were until I just walked away and told my sister I had to go outside and look at some more shops….or shoot myself in the head…or anything to get myself the hell away from this store.

In short, I like my new header.

I recently started volunteering for a local rescue group in Houston. I’ve really been enjoying it. I usually go on Tuesday and Thursday mornings and clean the cat cages at PetSmart and socialize the cats a little. You know, get them out of their cages and get them a little exercise and attention. Seems so lonely sitting in that cooped up little cage all day.

This past weekend, I volunteered to work one of their Santa Paws events. I wore a festive hat and took pictures of dogs sitting on Santa’s lap. The one above was probably my favorite one of the day. Santa looks a bit…down. But the pup looks like he’s laughing his ass off and I love that. We learned some thing in our behavior class at the vet tech school I was going to this summer that I put to use this weekend with some of the more anxious dogs. And it worked! I felt like I had really accomplished “something” when dogs who were cowered behind their owners came to me and snuggled in my neck and didn’t want to go to Santa. It got me to thinking….why couldn’t I volunteer to be Santa? It’s a giant suit that could easily be stuffed with a pillow. The beard completely covers your face and the hat completely covers your hair. If the dogs liked me that much anyway, why not? Also, I have massively muscular hiiiighly Santarific cheek bones. I think, minus the penis, I’m overqualified for this position. Thinking about asking if I can do it this coming Sunday. Wonder how they would feel about going a little against the grain by having a girl Santa.

I wondah.

is the fear of everything. Phobophobia is the name of the fear relating to the fear of being afraid. Phobobia is an intense fear of something that poses little or no actual danger. Panophobia is the fear of everything.

i am afraid. i don’t know what exactly i’m afraid of, but i am afraid. i live in constant 24 hour terror. extreme internalized terror. i am afraid of subconsciously coercing my heart to stop beating. i am afraid of what happens after i die. i am afraid of never truly living. i am afraid of failure. i am afraid of success….unwarranted success…and then eventual failure. i am afraid of dying and being forgotten. i am afraid of dying and being remembered incorrectly. i am afraid that once i am gone, the little things i know about myself will not be remembered by anyone. i have a square freckle on the back of my right hand. i have matching freckles on the medial surface of my upper arms. i am afraid of living…and doing it wrong. close to the concept of failure, but it’s different. i am afraid to commit to the religion that makes the most sense to me and i feel like i should follow. i am afraid since i left christianity, i will eternally burn in hell. i have a paralyzing fear of potential pain. any pain. sometimes i wait so long to go to the bathroom i put myself into a panic attack because pooping hurts. i am afraid people would hate me if they knew the real me inside. i am afraid to write uncontrolled without actively letting people know i am drunk or stoned so you wouldn’t think i’m this inarticulate sober. but when i’m sober, i rarely ever write at all because i am afraid that if people know what i think as an actual person that i will be embarrassed. that being said, i am in fact drunk right now. *quite drunk* i have a crippling fear of embarrassment. i can’t get off during sex most of the time because i’m too concerned with embarrassment. do i look/feel too fat? am i moving too much/little? what does my face look like? is this what his past lays faces have looked like? is this normal? can i make that sound? i have a terrible fear of sex. i’d like to thank church and 21 years of intense sexual suppression for that. i am afraid when i wake up that i will waste my day and go to bed hating myself. every day i end my day that very same way. every. single. mother. fucking. day. even if i plan something to do. i recently started volunteering for an animal shelter. i feel good while i’m there. i feel good shortly after i leave. then i feel selfish/conceited for feeling so high and mighty about being such a “good person” when in reality, i just really enjoy playing with cats that aren’t mine. i shouldn’t say that. see, i fear you, the massive void of the internet, will think me a terrible person now so i have to apologize and retract that statement. i enjoy feeling like i’m making their day a little better, whether i am or not. that’s what i like to think..so..there. i fear not wanting to have children because of what i believe is right and responsible. i fear wanting to have children because of the only way i can fulfill my desire to keep living after death. those will be my cells even if my consciousness does not carry along with them. how selfish is that? how ridiculous? i don’t find it ridiculous…but it is what it is. i fear getting stoned because i completely lose my shit these days. i become so overwhelmingly terrified, i lose my vision. it becomes cloudy and white and i have blank spots in what i see. i cannot control my thoughts. all i think about is accidentally stopping my heart. my left arm hurts/tingles constantly. my chest hurts constantly. i am afraid to go to a buddhist church…..because the jesus i don’t believe in any more will be angry with me and set my soul on fire. i am afraid what i feel to be my yearning for a path to enlightenment…will ultimately be my damning ignorance. i keep thinking to myself this many christians who truly believe themselves to have a direct relationship with god, that many can’t be wrong. not THAT many…but at the same time, all the buddhists who achieve enlightenment and die completely at peace…are that many wrong? i don’t mean the ones who say “yeah, that’s my religion” but the ones who have (from both religions) meditated for years upon years gathering to a lifetime, truly feel they have found IT. the thing that makes the universe go round. i feel constantly as though my soul is screaming on the inside, but if i release any of it, i’ll be seen as crazy. the few times i’ve let it out, i’m being dramatic or trivial. my panic/fear/confusion affects me on a level so deeply, i don’t know if there’s a word for the place it eats at. i constantly fear i’m on the verge of a meaningless death. the only times of peace i get these days is when i slip into depression and my body feels numb. i get so happy when i realize what’s occurring, my depression lifts and my panic/terror returns.

at the end of this, i realize i am only writing this post for myself. my drunken NOT MYSELF self. i hate this corner i’ve painted myself into. i am afraid to go to sleep tonight….maybe i can find something else to drink/swallow to make this thinking slow down a few minutes. i think this is the reason i sleep so much. just to make it stop.

i’ll stop now.

I started taking the “shot” last month. Not having to remember to take a pill at a certain time every day, so far, has been liberating. I love it like words cannot describe. I’m no longer having a period, which is “nice” but just down right weird. I still have a vague ghostly feeling that I should be emotional/angry/horny, etc….only they’re all subdued. Which again, is fine, just you know…odd. Lastly, I’ve always heard people talk about the weight gain associated with being on the shot. Well, they ain’t just whistlin’ dixie, just so you know. Everything I eat, Everything, tastes like Jesus. It’s like having stoner food without the weed. Also, my “full switch” seems to have been turned off. The other night, I cooked supper and Rodney fell asleep. Since no one was around to judge me, I had three, count ‘em 1 2 3, three plates of food. ………… And then I stole a buttered biscuit off his plate while he slept.    Sinking further into shame daily, I realize I need to do something about this. Because as it sits, before long, I’ll be upwards of 200 lbs and well, that just can’t happen. So far, my goal is to start calorie counting again. If my stomach can’t tell me I’m full, math can. Initially, I’d decided to allow myself 1500 a day for a week, then wean myself down to 1200, then 1000, but after today, I had somehow forgotten how much 1500 calories actually was, so I think I’m just going to start at 1200. Also, I will be working out at least once a day. I haven’t set any rules on this yet since exercise is in and of itself an extreme rarity around this house(sex excluded). I can do 100 sit ups or 5 leg lifts. Whatever the case, they will be repetitions of SOMETHING until I can get myself used to the idea of “this is exercise, this is what we do now”. I know, not exactly awe inspiring, but it’s all about baby steps. Let me tell you about my exercise so far today:

I woke up stuffy this morning. Ugh, it was so hot and stagnant in here. After a little experimentation, I realized that hooray and hoorah, our air conditioner died today. So, I hid the unmentionables and started speed cleaning. I have to say, it looks better. Now, it still probably will look dirty when the maintenance man comes, but for the folks who live here, I personally believe this to be a vast improvement. Also, the cats seem to be enjoying it, because I had to open the windows and turn on some fans and we finally got some of that “ventilation” stuff going on in here, so the house no longer smells like a gas station bathroom. Which is honestly what I thought two nights ago when we came home. But I cleaned out the “cat room”(or master bath) and partially disinfected the litter boxes. So far, that seems to have made an improvement. I also made the bed…maybe this means we’ll get to sleep in it tonight. Here goes hoping.

Lastly, I did 25 crunches and am about to go do more and I lost count on how many um, for lack of an appropriate term “arm pumps” with my little 3 lb weight. Sad, but you haven’t seen my arms. I SAID BABY STEPS!!

that’s what i wanna know.not that i’m morally opposed to her ukelele, but i genuinely miss the keyboard. i moved my soul when i heard her play/sing on the keyboard/piano. oh, how i miss it so.

we recently (yesterday) got a black kitten. she was skinny and hungry and some kids came in our back “yard” and decided they wanted to catch her. she was scared shitless, so i got her and brought her inside. she seems to be doing okay.healthy appetite, pooping and peeing regularly, very friendly. But out other cats seem to have gone bat shit crazy. i don’t know what the problem is. my big boy (23 lbs) is attacking everything that comes near him. his little sister fucking attacked ME tonight. she went nuts on the kitten, so i picked her up (and being exceptionally drunk, i didn’t notice) but after i put her in the bathroom, my wrists are ripped to shreds. wtf? what would cause them to do this? they’ve been exposed to other animals in and out of the house over the years. even recently. we got a siamese kitten a few months ago and gave to a neighbor upstairs. we had her for probably 2 or 3 days. they weren’t happy, but they weren’t viscous. i just can’t understand what could be causing this. i’m getting to the point that honestly, i’m scared of my cats. don’t tell anybody that, but sometimes i am. i love them with love so deep it hurts sometimes. i really do. i helped bring them into this world. i helped pull jables out of his mother because that big bastard got stuck in the birth canal. i raised them from birth. i love them. but after the giant scratches on my face and the recent random mood swings…they kind of scare me. i had a teacher recently tell me that she and her dogs had an unspoken rule that stated if either of them ever bit her, that was it. euthanasia, no questions asked because she didn’t want an awkward, resentful relationship with her dogs. i won’t go into the animal / human equal rights speech i have in my head right now, but i don’t know….i think i understand what she was saying. blah. i have to go to the bathroom where i trapped feather and try to make peace. i think i pulled some of her hair out, but seriously, the whore ripped my wrists to shreds. numb hands or not, that’s not cool.

here we go.

I recently stopped going to the Vet Tech Institute of Houston and am now trying to get into another school a little cheaper and a little closer to home. I didn’t properly do my research and as it turns out, registered veterinary technicians generally make minimum wage or slightly above when they get out of school. I can’t pay my student loans back with that. Let alone live on a day to day basis. That being said, had I not gone, even for a short while, I never would have met a handful of amazing people living right here in Houston. Who knew these folks were here??? So, for the new people I’ve met and now love, I’d say in the long run, $6000 isn’t that bad of a deal Um, assuming my long run is what I’m hoping it will be. I decided to change my major to registered nursing instead. Who, after some research, generally start out making 60 thousand or more fresh out of school AND some hospitals will help you pay your student loans back. Even so, the entire program is only 5 to 7 thousand total. A far sight better than VTI’s 30,000. Now, that being said, if vet techin’ is what you’re into and money isn’t an issue in your long term, I would recommend that school to anyone. I adored every second I was there. The instructors are great, the classes are awesome, they have a kennel on site. I loved it, fully and completely.

Aaaanyway, the reason for this random post at such an ungodly hour. I am in fact FREAKING OUT over this entry test (compass) I have to take this morning. I’m terrified of failing it. If you fail any portion, you only have to retake that portion, but you can’t try again for another three months. Well, I want to enroll in January and I can’t rightly do that if I fail right now. So I wouldn’t be able to start until….what? Like April? Then I’d have to cram all my prerequisites into the summer if I wanna be able to start the actual nursing program next August. I keep hoping money and a better life will just fall in my lap (honestly so far, it’s done a fairly decent job) but to get a real sustainable life and income, I think my daddy was right. I have to get off my ass and go get it. My big fear is, I go out there today, I give it my all, and it’s simply not good enough. I fail. I have to come home and tell everybody I failed a community college entry exam. I keep saying “I’VE BEEN OUTTA SCHOOL FOR TEN YEARS!” but that’s not an excuse. I just took 5 college level science courses and came out with a 3.5 GPA. Which would be relevant if there was a biology portion to this compass test… but there isn’t. It’s reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic. It’s that last part that frightens me the most. Math has never been a strong point for me. I actually took 2 extra math courses in high school because I was so afraid of not understanding it. I think I may do the same with my prerequisites. Take one extra math course just to make sure I have it down. Why does math scare me so? All the rules are finite. Once you learn the set, you’ve got it. *shrug* Everybody has their Achilles’ heal, I suppose. This just happens to be mine. Well, and computers and basic chemistry, but this isn’t a Jane bashing session, so back the fuck up.

Alright, I think I’ve put this off long enough. Time to get ready and see if I can poop out a D. Maybe it’ll be all multiple choice??

There’s nothing like accidentally seeing a picture of your ex boyfriend to force you to put your current romantic status into perspective. It’s like a complainy fat kid having pictures of starving African babies too weak to fight over rotted rice shoved in their face during an all you can eat pizza buffet. You forget sometimes how good you have it. I’d like to state for the record, I have a good man. A very good man. He’s brilliant, he’s hilarious, he’s faithful, he’s cute, he’s rich, and he fucks like a beast. He puts up with my crazies, my anti femininity, my anti cleanliness,  my recent ubermonetary suckage, and supports me(at least convincingly) whole heartedly in finding a way to end aforementioned ubermonetary suckage. Any time I’ve ever been interested in anything, literally Anything, he shows up with the starting tools and a smile. This post could go on for pages…..but I’ve just been inspired to clean the house and get back on studying for that college entry test this coming Tuesday.